I Don't Believe in Magic!
by Eaglerox
Summary: England goes to teach History of Magic for a year, as requested by Dumbledore. The Axis and Russia volunteer to go with them. What happens when Harry and his friends start to find their new teacher suspicious? Takes place in the Goblet of Fire. Might (will probably) be USUK. Rated T just to be safe.
1. Prolouge

The world meeting was off to a fabulous start, as America called it.

Germany was yelling at people to shut up. Italy was hyperventilating. Japan was being all serious-like as usual; England was talking to his magical friends. America was stuffing hamburgers down his face. France was trying to grope China, who in response hit him with a wok. Russia was sitting with an innocent smile and planning World War III in his head.

Yup, this world meeting was off to a fantastic start.

It was England's turn to speak. Of course, nobody wanted to listen to him. Nobody ever wants to listen to England.

England turned to Germany for help.

"WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP?!"

Everyone shut up upon hearing that from Germany. England cleared his throat.

"Ahem… So you may have heard of a magic school named Hogwarts… and –"

"Dude, Iggy, magic doesn't exist!" An obnoxious voice interrupted.

England's eye started twitching out of frustration. "As I was saying before… there is a boy named Harry at Hogwarts who must be protected. The headmaster Dumbledore sent me a letter asking me if I would go and teach History of Magic. I was wondering if any of you would want to – "

"Noooooo! Iggy, don't leave me! We can't possibly go on with these meetings without you here to pick on! I'll be stuck here with these idiots!" Everyone scowled at America, and Russia was kol-ing.

England pushed America away. "Before being so rudely interrupted, I was wondering… if any of you want to volunteer to come with me to Hogwarts to help me? As in… participate in the 'foreign exchange' students program?" He trailed off slightly. "By the way, Dumbledore already knows that we are nations."

America started laughing hysterically. "What kind of name is Dumb door? Your citizens are so weird, Iggy!"

"I will go, da? Everyone will become one with Mother Russia in the end!" Russia finished his sentence with an innocent (creepy) smile. The room dropped several degrees in temperature.

"Ve~! I will go too! Germany, can I? Please?"

"Ja, sure… as long as I come with you. You're not going to survive without me."

"I will go too." Germany looked at Japan. He normally didn't like to travel.

"Count me out, aru!"

"Ohonhonhonhon, I simply cannot go to a magic school, my looks will be all messed up! Ohonhonhon…"

England sighed and pulled out his wand. (Pointy stick, according to America) "So I suppose that the Axis and Russia will be going? Anyone else?" Everyone shook their heads. "Well, let's go!"


	2. Getting Wands

"Um, England… Why do we look like we are 13 years old?" Italy sounded confused. Germany silently agreed with him, but he would never admit it.

"So you can fit in. Now, first we are going to Diagon Alley."

"So… where is this Diagon Alley?" Japan questioned. "It seems that we are in the right spot, but there does not appear to be a Diagon Alley anywhere!"

England walked over to the nearest wall and tapped randomly on three bricks. Italy whispered to Germany: "Has he gone mad?" Suddenly, the brick wall spread apart to reveal an alley. There were shops and restaurants everywhere! "Ve~! I want pasta!" Italy shouted, heading toward the nearest Italian restaurant.

"You _dummkopf! _Feliciano, get back here!" Germany ran after the hopeless Italian. After waiting a few minutes, England, Japan, and Russia saw Germany dragging back Italy. Italy somehow had bought pasta without any money.

"Our first stop is Ollivander's. You guys will get your wands there. Now just follow me, and Italy, don't make any more distractions! Also, I forgot to mention that you may not use your country names. People will get suspicious." Italy nodded, oblivious to the glare that England was giving him.

They walked into Ollivander's as calmly as possible. "Ah, if it isn't Arthur Kirkland! It's so nice to see you again!" Ollivander took hold of England's hand. "Larch with a unicorn core at 10 ¾ inch, hard, if I recall correctly?" England smiled and nodded.

"These guys are here to pick up their first wands," he explained. "They're part of a foreign exchange program at Hogwarts." Ollivander nodded and went to the back of the shop. He returned with a few dusty boxes.

"Here, try this one," he said to Kiku. Japan barely had a chance to wave it before Ollivander snatched it back. "No… that won't do…" he muttered. He pulled out another one. Kiku waved it, and immediately red and white sparks shot out of the wand. "Good, good! And only on your second try!" Ollivander praised. "Sugi with a Unicorn Core at 10 inches, hard. Next!" he called out.

Germany stepped up to receive his wand. It took a total of 20 minutes and 132 wands to find his right one. Red, black, and yellow sparks shot out. Italy clapped. "Well, that took a long time, but you finally got it, Ger-Ludwig! Yay!" Ollivander wiped his brow. "Oak with a Griffin Core at 13½ inches, reasonably supple. Next!"

Russia put his pipe away and walked up to Ollivander. Something about this guy made Ollivander shiver, as if the room had suddenly dropped a few degrees. "You are OK, da?" Russia pulled out his pipe and started to polish it. Ollivander gulped. _It would be best if I could find his wand as soon as possible, I don't want to get smashed with that pipe of his. _"Yes, it would be nice if I did not have to use my pipe, da?" _Is this guy a mind reader or something?_

Luckily for Ollivander, he found Russia an appropriate wand on the first try. "Beech with a Dragon Core at 12 inches, unbending. Next!" He said it very quickly, as if in a hurry.

Italy hopped up and immediately started talking like an Italian. "Ve, ve ve! Ve ve veeeee! Ve, ve?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do you have any pasta?"

Ollivander shook his head and smiled a bit. "No, I'm afraid I don't have any pasta." Italy pouted. "I think I've got the perfect wand for you!" He went to the back and pulled out the dustiest box Italy had ever seen. He waved it around, and red, green, and white sparks shot out. "Oak with a Pheonix Core at 10 and ½ inches, slightly springy.

"Ve~! Yay!" Italy did a little happy dance, while Germany tried to hide his face.

"Okay, now we are going to get our school supplies and robes." England pointed farther along the alley. "Hey, there's Harry!" The group ran toward Madame Malkin's Robes for all Occasions.

"Hello, Harry!"


	3. On the Train

Harry POV

Harry almost shouted back "Wait, how did you know my name?" Then it struck him. He was Harry Potter. Everyone knew his name.

The newcomer with the shaggy blonde hair ran up to him with 4 kids behind him. A smaller kid with a strange curl and closed eyes spoke up. "Ve~! Are you really Harry Potter? My name's Feliciano Vargas! You can call me Feli!" Harry nodded. "It's nice to meet you, Feli." He glanced at the others. A tall blonde, an Asian, and a strange boy in a scarf and jacket who was holding… _was that a pipe?!_

The adult introduced them. He pointed to the tall blonde. "This is Ludwig, he's German. That's Kiku, he's Japanese, and that's Ivan over there, the one with the – _hey, put that pipe away!_"

"Da."

Harry guessed that Ivan was Russian by the way he spoke. Then he turned to the man with the shaggy hair. "Who are you?"

"My name is Arthur Kirkland. I will be seeing more of you later on." With that, they stepped into the robes shop, leaving a very confused Harry behind.

Harry ran to Hermione and Ron, who were just a block away. "This strange man with really bushy eyebrows came up to me and said that he would be seeing more of me later on. He had four kids with him, a German, Japanese, an Italian, and some crazy Russian with a pipe." Hermione and Ron looked at him quizzically.

"Weird. Maybe he has a connection with Dumbledore?" Hermione suggested.

"Who knows? Maybe he's a death eater." Ron joked. Hermione frowned. "That's very serious business, Ron! We should report him to professor Dumbledore!"

"Okay, Hermione, I think you're taking this a little bit too far." Harry finally spoke up. "But let's just keep an eye on that guy anyway, OK?"

"Agreed."

England POV

After buying all the school supplies, there finally came something that wasn't boring.

"Okay, it's time for you to pick out your pets." They headed toward a large pet store.

"Ve~! I've already got Puni!" Said cat wrapped itself around Italy's hand. "Ahh! He's attacking me! Ludwig, help me!" Italy wailed. Germany did a mental facepalm and walked over to the terrified Italian. He scooped the cat off his arm and plopped it in Italy's lap.

In the end, Germany got nothing (because he didn't want anything), Japan left with a cute black cat, Russia left with a snowy owl, and Italy was carrying Puni.

*Timeskip to King's Cross*

Japan looked at England's to do list. "What's platform 9 ¾?" _Why are all you British people so weird?_

"It's the one between Platform 9 and Platform 10. Here, I'll show you." England walked over to a wall. "Here it is."

"Are you crazy?" Germany blurted out. "That's a wall!" His jaw dropped as England walked through the wall. England then stepped back out.

"There's nothing to it! If you're nervous," said England, looking at Italy, "You can just run. Don't worry, you won't get hurt. Italy, you go first." Italy swallowed, and ran at his retreat speed all the way. He disappeared as he hit the wall. "Russia, you next."

One by one, they all filed into Platform 9 ¾. "Ve~! Hey! There's Harry! Let's go say hi!" Italy ran to the spot where Harry was standing with Hermione and Ron. "Ciao, Harry!" Hermione thought this was adorable.

"Oh, so you must be the Italian guy that Harry was talking about?" Hermione questioned. Feliciano nodded. "My name's Feliciano Vargas, but you can call me Feli!" Hermione saw the bushy eyebrow guy that Harry was describing. He was walking toward them with 3 kids behind him.

"Hello, Harry. It's nice to see you again!" Arthur greeted. Germany walked up. "Hallo. My name is Ludwig. This is Feli, as you probably know already. That's Kiku", he pointed at the Japanese boy, "And that's Ivan." He pointed at the boy with the scarf. Something about that boy made Hermione and Ron shudder. Maybe it was just the _wait a second was he holding a pipe?! _"We are here for the foreign exchange program," Germany explained.

"Everybody aboard!"

Harry POV

As they got on the train, something strange struck Harry. If they were all from different countries, then how did they know each other? Especially Ludwig and Feliciano, they seemed to be really close. He didn't notice that Arthur had stepped on the train as well.

Germany POV

Midway through the train ride, an old lady with a snack cart rolled by. "Would anyone like some treats?" Italy immediately rushed up the cart. Germany facepalmed. Using the money that England had given them, Italy bought multiple of everything on the cart. Ron laughed.

"How is he going to eat that much?" Germany smirked.

"You don't know Feli. He's not as innocent as he looks." Ron looked back at Italy, who was reacting in a similar way America would if he was offered hamburgers. Italy started wolfing down everything that he bought. Then he pulled out the chocolate frogs. Ron's face lit up like a candle.

"Hey, Feli, can I have one?"

Italy nodded and handed him one. "Hey, look!" Ron almost shouted. "I've got a really rare one!" Hermione, Harry, and Ludwig looked. "It's Gilbert Beilschmidt!"

Harry POV

Harry noticed the brief flicker of shock in Ludwig's eyes. Ron continued with his description. "It says here that he was always describing himself as 'awesome'. It also says that he was one of the greatest wizards in his time period." Germany rolled his eyes. "He disappeared sometime in the 1930s in East Germany. It is thought that he was killed by dark wizards." Hermione got up to use the bathroom.

Germany POV

Italy leaned his head over to look at the card. "Ve~!" He exclaimed. "That's Pru – " Germany slapped his hand over the spacey Italian's mouth.

Harry POV

"Well, well, if it isn't Potter. Which losers are you hanging out with now? Have you gotten tired of your old friends already?" Draco mocked. His two bodyguards snickered beside him. _Since when did he get here?_

"We are not losers, da?" The boy with the scarf spoke for the first time that he was on the train. "You are the real loser." Draco's face was tinged red with anger.

"Crabbe, Goyle, teach this kid a lesson!"

Ivan was making some weird sound that kind of sounded like kolkolkolkolkol. "Shit." Harry heard Germany mumble to himself. "They should know better than to irritate him."

Ivan smiled innocently (evilly) and pulled out a pipe from who-knows-where. Malfoy was obviously scared now. The temperature went down. Then, Ivan got up and stepped calmly toward Crabbe, who threw a punch at him. He easily dodged it. "Be prepared to suffer," he whispered. Crabbe's arrogance immediately turned into fear. Ivan scooped him up by the robes and flung him against the wall. Goyle stupidly tried to charge Ivan. Chuckling like a madman, Ivan hit him so hard with his pipe that he was also flung against the wall. They got up, groaning, and walked after Malfoy who was running at full speed.

Hermione came back. "Were you guys fighting? I thought I heard _– OH MY GOD WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO THE WALL?!_"

Ivan shrugged. "Bad kids come and mock Harry. As for the wall, that happens when you throw something against it."

Hermione paled. She looked at Harry, who also looked scared. Ron, however, was laughing his butt off. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT, HERMIONE! THAT AWESOME GUY RIGHT THERE KICKED DRACO AND HIS SORRY ASS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Ivan, do you want to get expelled before school even starts?" Hermione scolded. "That was completely unacceptable!" A dark purple aura rose around Ivan. Ron stopped laughing.

"They deserved it." The aura faded.

Harry quickly called his friends together for a huddle. "That Ivan guy," he whispered. "He's 13 years old. How can he have that much strength?" Ron shrugged. Hermione looked conflicted. "I wonder if we should tell Dumbledore, or keep it to ourselves? After all, he might make a good friend…"

Germany POV

"Hey, has anyone seen Kiku?" Italy wondered.

Immediately, Germany went searching. A lost Kiku was not good, not good at all. He barged into the bathroom to find Kiku spewing out his innards. "Kiku, what's wrong?" He questioned, worried. "I just ate a handful of those jelly beans," Kiku choked out. "By every flavor, they really mean **every** flavor! Please, just go watch over Italy, don't worry about me!"

Germany facepalmed again. Being Kiku, he thought he would at least be a little smarter…

Back at the World Meeting

America had enlisted the help of Scotland to help keep track of England. Scotland was very annoyed at the time, so instead of actually helping, he gave America a howler. "Speak into this thing and it will record it. Then just send it by owl to Hogwarts." America seemed a little bit too enthusiastic…


	4. Chapter 4

As soon as they departed the train, the Axis and Russia saw a grand castle in front of them. "Wow," breathed Italy. "How pretty! Ve~!"

"Firs' years! Firs' years o'er here!" A giant called out. _Interesting_, thought Kiku. _There's a half giant here. How cool!_

The door opened to the grand castle, and a stern looking woman stepped out. "Welcome to Hogwarts," she began. "Follow me, this way." They walked through the hall, and came to a gigantic room with many tables and a hat on a chair in the middle. They walked through. England managed to catch up with the Axis and Russia.

"Hey, England," Italy said while tugging on his sleeve. "What's the hat for?" England smiled sadly. He thought of what it would have been like taking a little America with him.

"The hat will sort you into each of your respective houses. There are four of them: Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff. Now, go on and have a seat." Italy found seats with Germany and Japan. Russia sat by himself near them.

The hat burst into song.

_In times of old, when I was new,  
And Hogwarts barely started,  
The founders of our noble school  
Thought never to be parted._

United by a common goal,  
They had the selfsame yearning  
To make the world's best magic school  
And pass along their learning.

"Together we will build and teach"  
The four good friends decided.  
And never did they dream that they  
Might some day be divided.

For were there such friends anywhere  
As Slytherin and Gryffindor?  
Unless it was the second pair  
Of Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw,

So how could it have gone so wrong?  
How could such friendships fail?  
Why, I was there, so I can tell  
The whole sad, sorry tale.

Said Slytherin, "We'll teach just those  
Whose ancestry's purest."  
Said Ravenclaw, "We'll teach those whose  
Intelligence is surest."

Said Gryffindor, "We'll teach all those  
With brave deeds to their name."  
Said Hufflepuff, "I'll teach the lot  
And treat them just the same."

These differences caused little strife  
When first they came to light.  
For each of the four founders had  
A house in which they might

Take only those they wanted, so,  
For instance, Slytherin  
Took only pure-blood wizards  
Of great cunning just like him.

And only those of sharpest mind  
Were taught by Ravenclaw  
While the bravest and the boldest  
Went to daring Gryffindor.

_Good Hufflepuff, she took the rest  
and taught them all she knew,  
Thus, the houses and their founders  
Maintained friendships firm and true._

So Hogwarts worked in harmony  
for several happy years,  
but then discord crept among us  
feeding on our faults and fears.

The Houses that, like pillars four  
had once held up our school  
now turned upon each other and  
divided, sought to rule.

And for a while it seemed the school  
must meet an early end.  
what with dueling and with fighting  
and the clash of friend on friend.

And at last there came a morning  
when old Slytherin departed  
and though the fighting then died out  
he left us quite downhearted.

And never since the founders four  
were whittled down to three  
have the Houses been united  
as they once were meant to be.

And now the Sorting Hat is here  
and you all know the score:  
I sort you into Houses  
because that is what I'm for.

But this year I'll go further,  
listen closely to my song:  
though condemned I am to split you  
still I worry that it's wrong,

Though I must fulfill my duty  
and must quarter every year  
still I wonder whether sorting  
may not bring the end I fear.

Oh, know the perils, read the signs,  
the warning history shows,  
for our Hogwarts is in danger  
from external, deadly foes

And we must unite inside her  
or we'll crumble from within  
I have told you, I have warned you...  
let the Sorting now begin.

The room clapped as the hat finished it's song.

One by one, new students were called to the hat to receive their houses.

"And now for the Foreign Exchange students!" announced Dumbledore. The clapping stopped slowly. Nobody was aware of a 'foreign exchange program'.

"Beilschmidt, Ludwig." A collective gasp rose from the crowd. Was this guy related to the legendary wizard, Gilbert Beilschmidt?

"Branginski, Ivan." Russia walked up, happily humming as he clutched his pipe. Some students tried to hide. "SLYTHERIN!"

Germany walked up to the hat and put it on. After a moment, the hat screamed "SLYTHERIN!"

"Honda, Kiku." The small Japanese boy looked almost unsure whether to proceed or not. "RAVENCLAW!"

"Vargas, Feliciano." The spacey Italian bounced all the way to the hat. Another facepalm for Germany. "HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Ve~? But I want to be with Ger – Ludwig! No!" Italy started bawling. Germany quickly ran up and dragged Feliciano to his table, cursing all the way."

Dumbledore made another announcement. "And now, before we start our feast, we have a new professor among us! He is replacing Professor Binns for the year."

Murmurs spread across the hall. Ron laughed. "Who knew he would actually sack Binns?" Hermione scowled. "Come on, Ron. It's just for this year."

"I present to you, Professor Kirkland!"


	5. A Howler

Harry POV

There was just no way that the man standing with the professors was older than 23. And yet somehow he was still qualified to be a teacher, and stood there waving while smiling. Harry looked into his eyes. They were way too old for someone that young. Those were the same eyes that someone like Dumbledore would have.

As the new professor was talking, nobody noticed as a lone owl carrying a red envelope flew into the room.

Professor Kirkland spotted it and immediately stopped smiling and waving. _If that's from Alfred, he is going to DIE the next time I see him…_

Unfortunately, the Howler _was_ from America.

The owl dropped the envelope on Professor Kirkland's head. And it started smoking. Ron was trying really hard not to laugh. The Slytherins were laughing. How could someone get a howler when school hasn't even started yet?

The professor tried to get as far away from this room as possible. Only too bad for him, he only managed to take half a step before it exploded. A loud, obnoxious voice filled the air.

**"HEY IGGY! WE'RE COMING TO VISIT YOU SOON! IT'S SO STUPID AT THESE WORLD MEETINGS WITHOUT YOU!"**

The voice changed to a creepy French accent.

**"OHONHONHONHONHONHON, ANGLETERRE! WHAT HE SAID WAS RIGHT! DO NOT REJECT MY LOVE THIS TIME! EXPECT US HERE SOON, OKAY? MWAH!" **

Ron was struggling to breathe. Professor Kirkland paled visibly.

**"HEY, POTATO BASTARD!" **Something that sounded an awful lot like Feliciano filled the room. **"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY IDIOTA FRATELLO? YOU BETTER NOT BE THINKING OF ANY BAD THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW!"**

Ron was practically crying right now, and everyone else was laughing really hard. Hermione was trying to shut people up. Ludwig groaned.

**"BIG BRUDER RUSSIA! I WILL SEE YOU SOON!" **A creepy Russian female voice that sounded a little bit like Ivan's floated out. **"WE AR GOING TO GET TOGETHER WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY ME, MARRY ME, MARRY ME, MARRY ME, MAR – " **There was the sound of her being pushed away. Ivan curled up into a ball.

**"AIYAH, ARU! KIKU, ARE YOU OKAY? IF ONLY YOU HAD STAYED HOME! THEN YOU COULD HELP ME WITH REPELLING YONG SOO FROM MY CHEST!" **In the background, a distant "Your breasts are mine!" could be heard. The room laughed harder. Kiku looked like he was about to faint. Just then, a heavy German accent filled the room.

**"HEY, WEST!" **

All the professors looked at each other. No… it couldn't be…

**" BECAUSE I AM SO AWESOME, THE AWESOME ME GETS THE LAST FEW SENTENCES OF THIS HOWLER! WEST, MAKE SURE TO BRING ME SOME BEER ONCE YOU GET BACK! THAT WOULD BE VERY AWESOME OF YOU! I AM ZE GREAT GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT! KESESESESESESESESESESE! ALSO, GILBIRD SAYS HI! I WILL BE COMING TO SEE YOU SOON! KESESESESESE!"**

The professors looked at the ceiling. Yup, it definitely was.

There was a little puff as the howler exploded into flames.

Professor Kirkland's face was as red as a tomato. He ran out of the room in rage. "F*CK YOU, ALFRED!" could be heard from outside the room.

Dumbledore was trying not to laugh. "Okay… let the feast begin!"


	6. The Creepy French Rapist

England got up and groaned. Another world meeting today…

Oh wait.

He was at Hogwarts. _ MORE ANNOYING AMERICA._

_Ah, yes. First day of teaching. _England headed out the door of his room and into the History of Magic classroom. Once the class was all there, he took attendance, got things ready, all those boring things that teachers did, blah blah blah.

"So, class, what have you been learning last year?"

Harry raised his hand. "Goblin related stuff."

"And the year before that?"

"Goblin rebellions."

"And the year before that?"

"Goblins."

England almost facepalmed. These children had a lot of learning to catch up on. "Alright… put away your textbooks, I'm afraid we won't be needing those for a while…"

*Timeskip to middle of class*

"…and that's how Hogwarts was founded!" Everyone looked at Professor Kirkland with excitement. Since when was History of Magic ever interesting?

*Another Timeskip*

As everyone packed up their things, England felt something strange. It was as if… America was near? He decided to (unwisely) ignore that feeling and proceed to dinner.

Everyone was stuffing themselves with food, and nobody paid attention to the cracks in the ceiling. **BOOM!**

The center of the ceiling crashed down.

People were running and casting random spells and screaming and the teachers trying to calm people down. It was such a mess, but luckily nobody got hurt. Everybody was starting to quiet down after a few minutes. And that's when England snapped.

"**ALFREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED! SHOW YOURSELF!**" he roared at the ceiling. **"WHAT ON EARTH MADE YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD JUST DROP IN FROM THE CEILING IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER? I THOUGHT I TAUGHT YOU BETTER!"**

America, being a person who doesn't take things seriously, simply laughed and _jumped _down from the room. "How did he not get hurt?" Harry whispered to Hermione, who was eyeing the tall blonde man with suspicion.

"Iggy! I've missed you! Those world meetings are so boring without you there! So I decided to send you a letter to let you know that we'd be visiting soon!" He received a punch in the gut.

A man with long blonde hair and a bit of stubble walked up to the professor. "Ohonhonhonhonhon! I 'ave been so lonely without you, _Angleterre!_ Show us to your room, and I will make passionate love to you!" To the students' horror, the creepy French guy leaned over to grope England in various inappropriate ways. Professor Kirkland turned a deep shade of red and somehow got a hold of a chair.

"**EAT THIS, YOU SMELLY FROG!**"

While England was chasing a terrified France with a potentially deadly weapon, the Axis and Russia gathered together. "Ve~! I'm scared! Eng-Arthur has gone insane!" whispered Italy. Russia looked scared for once. "W-what if Belarus decides to show up?" Germany sat with a stoic face, and Japan was turning purple for who-knows-what reason.

Harry POV

**"KESESESESESESESE! WE-EST! WHERE ARE YOU? THE AWESOME ME HAS ARRIVED! KESESESESESE!"**

An albino man suddenly appeared. He had a bird in his hair. Not surprisingly, due to his awesomeness, several girls swooned.

"Whoa! That's Gilbert Beilschmidt!" gasped Ron. "He's supposed to be dead! And he still looks the same as he did in 1935!" Hermione's face scrunched up in suspicion. _Who were all these people? _

The French guy somehow managed to grab the chair away from Professor Kirkland and was trying to rape him. _Poor guy. Somebody, do something!_

"Alfred to the rescue!"

The American pried the French man off a shaking Professor Kirkland and pushed him over to Gilbert, who groaned. "Francis, you can go hit on England later," he muttered. "I have to go find West!" He then proceeded to scream into the hall: "WHERE IS MY BRUDER?! WHERE IS LUDWIG BEILSCHMIDT?!" Everyone went silent. And all eyes turned to a very stoic looking Slytherin. "WEST!" The awesome Gilbert gave Ludwig a glomp/hug/death sentence.

"H-help meee…" Ludwig managed to choke out. "Prussia, get OFF!" Unfortunately for him, Prussia did not get off.

And that's how Arthur Kirkland's day was ruined!


	7. Harry's Cauldron and all That Stuff

Hi! Sorry that I haven't been updating much. I'm really busy :/ with this stupid math thing :( We haven't been seeing much of the **awesome** Prussia lately, haven't we? I promise he will be in the next chapter :D!

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this takes place in whichever year that Remus Lupin teaches. I forgot to have Dumbledore introduce him in the beginning of the story... Hehe sorry!

* * *

"Ohonhonhon, _Angleterre_! I 'ave come to watch you teach!"

Harry looked up from his notetaking. _It's that creepy French guy from before! I wonder what he wants with the Professor._

**_"Bloody hell, frog, can you just go away? You are ruining the class for the students! At this rate, I won't be able to get anything done!"_**

Before running, Francis decided to give some advice to the class. "Don't listen to _Angleterre,_" he advised. "He is sexually frustrated." and winked at their raging teacher, to the students' horror. Professor Kirkland somehow managed to summon a hunting knife out of nowhere and threw it in the French man's direction.

**"I AM NOT SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED! NOW GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY CLASSROOM WHILE YOU STILL CAN!"** he snarled.

Hermione's eyes, Harry noticed, were filled with confusion. How did he manage to wandlessly summon a knife? _How did he do that? _She pointed at the knife impaled in the wall. _I don't know_, he mouthed back.

"Well, anyway... today we are going to talk about the -"

He was cut off by Malfoy's hand in the air. "Yes, Draco?"

"How old are you?" The question was out before he could stop it.

"This doesn't relate to the topic. Now -"

"You look way too young to be a teacher." Draco interrupted again. "Why are you here?" Hermione shot him a warning glance. _Shut up! The teacher's age is none of your business!_

"I am 23 years old. Now, on with the lesson. Today we will be learning about the war of -"

"What house were you in?"

"Slytherin." Harry's eyes widened. There had to be a mistake, how could someone this interesting be from Slytherin? Behind him, Malfoy snickered.

Before he knew it, England was being bombarded with a series of questions from around the room.

"How did you hear about Hogwarts?"

"Are you a friend of Dumbledore's?"

"Why are you dressed in Muggle clothes?"

"Are you a muggle?"

"Enough! We have to get some learning done here!" Professor Kirkland shouted angrily. The door slammed open.

**"HEY IGGY!"**

Upon hearing that voice outside the door, England immediately ran over to it, pressed it down, and locked it. **"IGGY, LET ME IN! THE COMMIE BASTARD IS BEING MEAN TO ME AGAIN!" **America whined. Several giggles passed over the room. "Iggy! Lemme in! Come on! Russia's about to turn the corner with his pipe and smash my head in!" England sighed. _He is my brother, no - was, after all... _He opened the door, and America bolted in. "The hero is here! I'm just... protecting this room from the inside!" An happily (angrily) smiling Ivan could be seen through the window banging his pipe on the door.

_Wait, why did Alfred call Ivan Russia? And he's older than him, Ivan couldn't be **that** intimidating..._

The bell signaling the next class rang. England groaned. They've gotten nearly nothing done, especially after America's appearance.

* * *

Harry POV

Harry thought about what he had next. Oh, yeah. Just **great**. He had potions with the Slytherins. He entered the classroom and found a seat next to Ludwig.

"Not all Slytherins are bad," he tried to convince himself. "I mean, look at Professor Kirkland! He's a nice guy, isn't he? Aside from the temper issues, that is."

As Harry worked with Ron on mixing their potion, his brain got caught up in his thoughts about the new professor, and he added the porcupine quills before stirring. The cauldron exploded. People started screaming. **"HARRY POTTER!"** Snape howled. **"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!"**

* * *

England POV

England has a free class period. Nothing to do, since Alfred had already ran off to go torment Ivan again, which would probably end in tears.

So, naturally he rushed off when he heard the shrill sound of Snape screaming like a little girl. He quickly opened the door of the Potions classroom. An acrid black smoke drifted out of the room. "Is everything alright in here?"

**"DOES THIS LOOK ALRIGHT TO YOU?"** snapped Snape.

Arthur pulled his wand out of his back pocket and quickly muttered something that sent the pieces of the cauldron flying back together. He then cast a spell that made the smoke disappear. "How did this happen, Severus?"

* * *

Harry POV

Harry paled. _Oh no. I am **not** in the mood to get another teacher to hate me._

"Mr. Potter here," Snape said through clenched teeth, "wasn't paying attention and added the porcupine quills before stirring."

Professor Kirkland frowned. "Severus, I'm sure the boy didn't mean any harm... After all, he is only 13. It's not like he tried to destroy the school."

Snape finally snapped. (Oh wonderous alliteration I have here! :D) He could **not **stand for any more teachers standing up for that imbecile Potter. "And you know this how? Who knows, he might be working for Voldemort!"

Arthur snorted. "Oh, really? Please explain."

Rather than working out their differences, Snape stupidly decided to cast a spell at the new professor. "This will teach you, you inexpirienced brat! STUPEFY!"

The students gasped in horror. The red beam of light hit Professor Kirkland directly in the chest. They could only wait for the immobile body of the professor to fall to the ground.

Only it never happened.

Professor Kirkland just stood there, glaring at a gaping Snape. "What were you thinking? I'm only trying to help here!"

**"HOW THE F*CKING HELL DID YOU DO THAT?!" **Snape howled. The students stared in astonishment. Harry, Ron, and Hermione chose this moment to sneak out of the room.

"Language, Severus."

* * *

Harry POV

"H-how did that spell not have any effect on the professor?" Ron squeaked.

Hermione looked scared. "Maybe he's the next You-know-who!"

Harry looked genuinely concerned. "I think we should report this to Dumbledore," he whispered. "This guy might be working for Voldemort!" Ron and Hermione flinched at the mention of Voldemort's name.

* * *

In the corridors

"Wow, did you see that? A stunning spell doesn't have any effect on the professor!"

"I heard he's working for the ministry."

"Isn't he a muggle?"

Chatter revolving around the new professor rebounded in the halls. England buried his face in his hands. "They're going to find out sooner or later...", he sighed. "Why didn't I just dodge the spell instead of showing off..."

"Dude, Iggy! Stop talking to yourself!"

England instantly whipped around and his fist collided with America's nose. "OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" shouted America.

"Sorry, but that's what you get for sneaking up on me."


	8. Author Note

**Okay, Hi, it's Eagle. Please let me know how to improve... I just read through all the chapters and I was like "Holy crap what have I done?!" **


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